Faith and Religion and Finding My Place In Between

Ever since I can remember myself, I have always felt G-d with me. I have never doubted. I loved going to temple as a little girl. I loved lighting the candles with my mother. I loved Kiddush. I loved having lots of guests for holiday dinners. We never had much money but our home was always open to people for holiday dinners. I loved dressing up for Shabbat and for holidays. Every holiday is my favorite holiday. Every holiday is so special and so beautiful.

The high holidays are during autumn; my favorite season (was born in October). Sukkot was the most fun because I loved decorating the Sukkah and loved the smell of the Etrog. Hanukkah, well, what’s not to love about latkes, doughnuts, and lighting the Hanukkiyah. Tu B’Shvat was always so much fun and we actually got to plant trees. Purim, well, I loved being queen Ester and having my sister make me very special costumes every year. Passover, all the cleaning and preparation and looking for chametz. And then there was taking out all the Passover dishes and washing them and putting away the regular dishes. And of course, there was the magic of Elijah’s cup. Then came Lag B’Omer with the bon-fires which were always so much fun! Shavuot was a heaven filled with all of my favorite dairy dishes. And then it started all over again. What fun! I sometimes wonder what it feels like to be Christian with only two religious holidays.

Now that I have children, the holidays take on an even a greater meaning. I love sharing the traditions with them and I love telling them what makes each holiday special to me. And I like finding out what is special to them about each holiday.

I have been going through a transformation in the past few months. It certainly has something to do with living in the U.S. Being a Jew in Israel is easy. Most other people are Jewish, most certainly everyone who lives around you. There’s kosher food everywhere. There are kosher restaurants everywhere. There are temples everywhere. And Shabbat, oh, the feeling of Shabbat in Israel is like nowhere else in the world. Friday morning and early afternoon people are rushing and going like crazy, trying to finish all their shopping and chores before Shabbat beings. Then comes the quiet and peace. Everything is so peaceful on Shabbat in Israel. A feeling I cannot describe. And then there’s Jerusalem. The minute you step foot in Jerusalem you feel like you’re in a different world. Whether you’re religious or secular, you can feel G-d there with every step you take. And the Kotel (the western wall), wow! I LOVE Jerusalem. It is the perfect mixture of modern and holy.

But, for better or for worse, my life is here right now. I chose to marry someone who isn’t Jewish. It came with a unique set of challenges in addition to the normal challenges of marriage. And with it came raising Jewish children in this country and in the South to top it off. I am learning that many people have never met a Jew. I am learning that many people don’t get why we can’t believe in Jesus. I am learning that most people mean well, and then there are those who don’t. And sometimes, those who don’t make it very difficult to live a Jewish life here and raise Jewish children here. And those who don’t, make me want to become even “more Jewish.” I am trying to cover my hair more often than not. I take the boys to shul (temple) every Shabbat now. I do this because I love going and it inspires me to become a better person and a stronger Jew. I do this because the boys love going and I want them to continue to love going. I want them to grow up being proud of being Jewish and wanting to always keep their Jewish identity strong. I don’t do laundry on Shabbat anymore. I don’t cook on Shabbat anymore. I try to keep it a calm, family day. We have Sunday to go places and do things. Shabbat really is for taking a break from the chaos of our daily lives. I am trying to remember to say the blessings before I eat. I do that because I want to remember to thank G-d for the food that’s on our table. I am trying to remember to have my own little conversation with G-d every day, especially when things get insane, and they often do. I’m trying to become more conscious of every action I do so that I can remember to thank G-d for all that I have.

And mostly, I am trying to raise children who will always be proud of being Jewish and will want to keep our beautiful traditions no matter where they end up living. I pray my boys will not only be men with good manners, kindness and compassion, but also men who appreciate everything G-d has put in this world for us. And I pray they will keep feeling G-d with them in spite of the challenges they will face in their lives.

Lessons I learned from Irene

Lesson I learned from Irene,

Lesson number one: “it could always be worse” is not something that 4 & 2 year olds can understand. We are the sum of our experiences. The experiences of two young boys who have been raised in a loving and protecting home, with many books, toys, healthy food, appropriate clothes and all of that good stuff don’t include hardship. So when we explain to them that while we are going on day 3 without power, in the heat without air-conditioning, without their beloved TV shows, without fresh milk and fresh food, that some people actually had trees fall on their homes and cars and have lost a lot, that some people have lost their lives, they still don’t get it, because we are all a sum of our experiences. And to be honest, while we adults know that it could be worse, it still doesn’t fully sink in and the inconvenience of it all makes one feel a bit sorry for themselves and a bit on the cranky side.

Of course I appreciate that no trees fell on our house or cars. And I appreciate that all we lost was all the food that was in our refrigerator and our two freezers, but boy, it was a pain in the rear end. So I’m glad it’s over and I hope it never happens again.

The last few weeks with the earthquake we have had and dear Irene, have definitely made me reflect on all that we have. We are so lucky to not have lost all of our belongings and to have stayed safe throughout it all. It breaks my heart that it got so bad in some areas that people lost their lives. It breaks my heart that people have to rebuild their homes. I want to help my children learn to appreciate. I know my boys are not nearly as spoiled as some other children I know. We definitely don’t indulge them in material things. In fact, we instituted a ticket-reward system a few weeks ago where they earn tickets for good behavior and doing chores and cleaning up after themselves, and once a week, on Shabbat, they get to go into a treasure box (where we have put stickers with “prices” on items I get on sale) and exchange their tickets for a treasure. Last week, we even made them see the benefit in picking out a “cheaper” treasure and saving some tickets for the following week in order to be able to “buy” a bigger treasure. So I hope that slowly and gradually, the boys will learn to delay gratification and to appreciate all that they have.

Another lesson I learned from Irene is that help comes from the most unexpected sources. People that weren’t even close friends and we haven’t known for that long, have offered and given so much help. It warmed our hearts and made us realize that there’s hope for this country and world after all. Recently, the state of our country has gotten me a bit depressed. It seems that people only care about themselves and no one is really willing to help others. We tend to blame the politicians for our troubles, but really, it’s the lack of basic courtesy and values that I see all the time that has been degrading our country. Our credit rating got downgraded, but really, it’s our values that need work. But, those helpful friends have given me hope again and I’m going to cling to that hope and try to see the good in people and in situations more often than not.

I also learned that I need to be specific about what kind of help I need. That people don’t all think and operate the same way. I realized that while my offer of help would be very specific and include offering a place to stay, a place to bathe, a place to store food, a place to just be, others might just say it in a much simpler and indirect way. So if I want something, I should specify what it is. The worst a person can say is “no”.

I learned that I hate hurricanes and earthquakes and that they scare the crap out of me. I don’t like them and I don’t like tornadoes either. Really, I would much prefer to live in Spring/Fall kind of weather, with occasional light rains, some sun, some clouds, and temperatures between 65F-78F. But I guess that might be too much to ask and I should just be grateful for being healthy, having an awesome husband and kids, family, friends, and all that we have. And I am grateful, for all of those things.

Oh, and the last lesson I learned from Irene is that we must purchase a generator!!!

OMG!!! Has It Been This Long???

So just a quick update because that's all I have time for. Happy pills stopped working after a while. Not sure why, but things have gotten worse. I started therapy which has made some things better (I clean less!!!). But it has opened up some old wounds so some things have gotten worse. So doctor upped my happy pills dose and now things are happier again. I am calmer, enjoying my children more and such. Maybe it was all because of summer, having both boys home. It's been fun, but also quite challenging. Some days they are perfect little angels. Some days it's hard to keep them from killing each other.

This is typical one would say of all homes with kids so close in age. But what a "normal" mother can handle without losing her sanity, I cannot. So the higher dose of the happy pills has come to my rescue and things are better again. Not perfect, but much better.

Some people think it's all about the attitude. Some people think if one has a positive attitude, everything falls into place. I wish it were that easy. I really wish. I have a very positive attitude. I wake up every morning and write down all the things I am thankful for, and I have plenty to be thankful for. And then life happens. And whereas a "normal" mom can handle life, I need a little extra help. I used to feel very guilty about that, but now I'm perfectly ok with it. I'm ok with not being perfect. There, I said it!!! It's ok.

Summer has been insanely busy with the boys. Liam loves the pool. Aiden not so much yet but we'll get him there. It's been extremely hot, so much so that on some days it's even too hot to go to the pool. Aiden just pretty much got potty trained (minus nap and night time). I am oh so proud of my little man. They are both such amazing boys. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. And well, sometimes I wonder if they are possessed by the devil...

I'm looking forward to both of them being in the same preschool in the fall. I am hoping to get some consulting work in the fall and get some of me back.

And I have started looking into graduate school again. My dream. I am hoping I will find a way to make my dream happen.

That's all for now. Hopefully less time will go by before I get a chance to post another update.

Yael

Happy Pills Update

The Happy Pills are wonderful. They started working after 3 days (the doctor's guess was 4 days to 6 weeks). I am on the lowest dose and see no reason to increase as they are working so well.

On day 3 I was super tired (as usual) after an exceptionally bad night for baby Aiden. Usually, after Scott takes Liam to preschool, I put baby Aiden down for his morning nap and have very little time to clean up from breakfast, eat, and get a load of laundry in as he always naps for such a short amount of time. But like I said, I was even more tired than usual, and I was saying to my baby: "maybe I'll take a nap with you and clean up after the nap". As those words were leaving my mouth I was in shock. Did I actually say that I will NAP and clean up AFTER napping? Could it be? That's when I realized that the pills had started working.

Since then, there have been many wonderful morning naps with the baby.

I am not cured from cleaning. But, I am not obsessed with it anymore.

I am totally enjoying my time with the kids now as I am not constantly thinking about what I can and should be cleaning.

I am not so stressed out anymore. And when I take a deep breath now, I actually feel like I can breath.

So yes, the happy pills are working well and my only regret is not having taken them after having Liam and not having started on them much sooner after Aiden was born

And Here We Go Again...

So I thought and felt I was doing well and would be able to get through Aiden's first year without suffering from postpartum anxiety again. But it was not to be. It is back. It is bad. And I need treatment.

I was doing great the first few months. Even though I was overwhelmed with taking care of two kids so close in age and with how challenging Liam has been I was still doing well. But ever since we discovered Aiden's multiple food allergies and the effect they have had on my diet as well as his things have been going downhill.

I am constantly having to cook to satisfy Liam's allergy needs and Aiden's (and therefore mine) allergy needs. It's not like I have a lot of time on my hands as is. But even the little that I have is spent cooking because it's hard for us to find something safe to get from outside sources.

It's hard to go to places with Liam because we always have that fear for his life looming over our heads. And people whose kids do not have food allergies really don't get it. Some of them are downright inconsiderate. But it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

So slowly and gradually I've been feeling like I have no control over anything. I try to keep a food log for everything we put in our mouths but it's overwhelming to try to remember so much detail.

Recently, Scott also announced that he has a trip to the UK coming up in March for a week. His dad already said that he won't be able to help the entire time and even though it's not until March I am already freaking out about it

We also had a visit to his family for Thanksgiving and that was as stressful as I thought it was going to be

So things have been building up and the other day I realized that I have become consumed with cleaning and thoughts of cleaning. Even when I'm trying to have fun with the kids I can't stop thinking about cleaning. It is a coping mechanism. I realize I have no control over anything that happens in our lives and so I do the one thing I can control - I clean. But I also freak out if anything is out of place or gets dirty. I sanitize the bristles of our broom after every time I sweep and I sweep several times a day. What is going on is insane. It is OCD. Very OCD.

I was never big into the idea of taking anti-anxiety medication. I don't like to take medication in general. When I realized I was having postpartum anxiety after Liam my treatment with my hypnotherapist worked really really well. But he lives an hour away and then the session is an hour long and then another hour back. That is 3 hours and I have no one to care for Aiden in the mornings and the afternoons are not an option because I have to get Liam from preschool. So I realized I would have to find a more temporary solution until I can get back to my hypnotherapist.

I went to see my OB nurse practitioner today as my OB is out of town. I have started taking anti-anxiety medication today. I will need to make time to go to regular counseling so that I can learn coping mechanisms but in the meantime, the medication will start calming down my panic attacks a bit.

I have no idea how we will figure out a way to make it possible for me to have the time to get counseling but it is important and we will figure it out. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who has been putting up with me for so long and is on board on helping me in any way possible.

In a way I feel very fortunate that I have postpartum anxiety rather than postpartum depression. If I feel somewhat ashamed of this happening to me again, I can't even begin to imagine how moms who cannot bond with their children feel. Not to mention the many, absolutely wonderful moms out there with more severe postpartum depression who have thoughts of hurting their children. So I am actually lucky that my anxiety manifests itself in obsessiveness with cleaning and other emotional issues, none of which are inability to bond with my children.

I need help and I am starting to get it and I am proud of myself for it.

I am on the lowest dose and hopefully will not have to increase it. It is safe for breastfeeding.

This isn't easy for me to talk about but I am talking about it so that other moms know there are options out there and the sooner you get help, the better they can feel and the stronger their families will be.

I am disappointed that it's happening again but I will get through it and everything will be ok.

Disappointments

Last Saturday was our 5 year anniversary. I booked us a sitter (our regular sitter wasn't available) a month in advance to make sure we would be able to go out. The plan was for me to put the baby down for the night as usual between 7-7:30 pm and have her put Liam to bed. She was supposed to arrive at 6:30 pm. She was a no-show. No call, no text, nothing! A similar thing happened to us a few weeks ago when I was supposed to go to a back-to-school night at Liam's new preschool and Scott had an important business dinner. That girl (who has sat for us many times before) was a no-show as well. I was actually worried that something bad happened to them. Later found out through other people that they were both just fine. They just didn't have the common courtesy to let me know they weren't going to make it. I know they are young (19,20 years old) but seriously, if I had pulled something like that I would have gotten into so much trouble from my parents. I wasn't raised this way and it is sad to find so many are being raised this way. So we never got to go out for our anniversary.

I had also been sick for the two weeks prior and wasn't feeling that great that day but decided I would make the most of it. But never got the chance to.

Fast forward to yesterday, my birthday. I turned 33 yesterday. It was a pretty crappy day. Our sitter had been out with the pink-eye and so I never got to have a special day. Luckily, hubby did one nice thing - surprised me with my favorite Chinese for dinner. Of course we never got to actually eat it together because the kids were needing stuff like they always do.

And last night Liam wasn't feeling well and Aiden wasn't feeling well and so today we took them to the doctor (I told Scott there was no way I'm taking two sick kids to the doctor on my own on so little sleep). So my two precious boys have Strep. This is Aiden's 2nd Strep in his not yet 9 months of life and he's already had 2 ear infections as well. This sucks! So Liam is home tomorrow as well and it's Aiden's well appointment tomorrow. He'll go to it but no vaccines for him! SO tomorrow will be fun with having the two at home again. This afternoon I was trying to nurse the baby on the sofa and Liam kept trying to push him off of me. LOVELY! So Liam was crying and the baby was crying. It was fun!

Children really cramp your style sometimes, that's all I have to say! I love my children to death. Really, I would do anything for them. But sometimes I just want to run away and hide from it all. Of course, usually, my hiding is over after a 5 minute bathroom break (I don't always get to go alone either) but I still day-dream about some island with drinks with little umbrellas (though I don't actually like to drink) and well, the rest is not for sharing

But, on the plus side, a few nights ago I got 6 straight hours of sleep. This was a first since Liam, my first child, was born. Mind you, he is almost 3 years old so it's been a long time coming. Of course the nights after that sucked, but at least I have those 6 straight hours that I got that one time to live on.

Ok, I gotta go clean up the mess the kids made today. Yay for me!

Battling Postpartum Depression

Every mommy-to-be thinks it won't happen to her. I thought so too. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother. In fact, I used to say that if I didn't find 'the One' by the time I was 35, I would just go ahead and have a baby on my own. Of course I am glad I did find Scott and that I didn't have to have a baby on my own because it is such hard work and to have to go through that alone would have sucked really bad. But sometimes, even when you have a wonderful and very supportive partner, like I do, you still end up with postpartum depression. In my case it was postpartum anxiety, which happens to 10-15 percent of women. That is not a small number of women. People really only know the term postpartum depression so I never bother to go into more detail of what happened to me. But postpartum anxiety is real and very debilitating.

I participate in a breastfeeding support group and many of the moms there are new moms (though there are some that have older children like myself though). We sometimes go to lunch after the group meets. I am very open about the postpartum anxiety that I had after Liam was born because it is important that other moms feel like they can turn to someone. I had absolutely no one to turn to. It was horrible. It was lonely and I felt guilty and ashamed. I felt like a failure. I don't want any other mom on this planet to feel the way I felt, so if by opening up about my anxiety I can help someone else, then so be it.

But when I do mention it, sometimes, from some moms, I get those looks that almost say: "Oh, poor her, it could never happen to me because I love my baby." Well, I have news for these moms, I loved my baby very very much as well. In fact, since my disorder was not depression, but was anxiety, I never had to deal with not feeling a connection with my child right away. In spite of the horrible labor and delivery that I had, the minute I held Liam in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed by a wave of such intense love that I have never felt before in my life. And luckily, I felt the same way when I held Aiden in my arms for the first time. I actually consider myself one of the lucky ones because I did get to experience that instant love and instant bonding that most moms who do have postpartum depression don't get to feel until after they have started treatment for their depression.

And so to those moms who think we 'other' moms don't love their baby enough I want to tell you that it's not true. We love our babies just as much as you love yours. It's just that something is off. In the case of depression, it's the inability to connect with your baby and the shame that comes with that when everyone around you is harping on you with questions about how amazing it is to hold that baby for the first time and blah blah blah. In the case of anxiety, it's the constant fear of being left alone with the baby because you feel like there's no way you'll be able to take care of the baby by yourself all day long. I felt that day every single day of Liam's first year or so when Scott would leave for work in the morning until he got home. And when he would announce a work trip coming, sometimes weeks in advance, I would start dreading it weeks ahead of time and get panic attacks weeks in advance. And trust me, I took care of my baby just fine, I just didn't realize it.

For me it was the fear to leave the house with the baby because I wouldn't know how to handle him if he was fussy or needed a diaper change or something of the sort. So I was stuck at home with him for about 10 months until I started a mommy & me group. And of course that group made me feel even more inadequate because all the moms there seemed so perfect and like they had it together. And they made it seem like it was so easy. It was easy for everyone around me and it was unbearable for me.

I still have feelings of guilt every once in a while. I need to get rid of them. I just read that a risk factor of postpartum depression or anxiety is a traumatic birth experience. I wish I had known that before I gave birth. I kept feeling like I shouldn't let the birth experience that nearly killed me and my son affect me so much and everyone around me just kept telling me to get over it. Well, I couldn't and honestly, I still can't forget what happened and how wrong it all went.

My friend whose baby had to go through open heart surgery when he was an infant also suffered from postpartum anxiety. It was obvious that it had to do with the stress and fear for her child's life. She and everyone else around her understood why she had anxiety attacks. She and everyone around me didn't understand why I was so anxious. She even asked me in a very judgmental way what reason I had to justify my anxiety (this was after I got treatment and was better). I forgave her because I knew she didn't know anything about postpartum disorders and because she was in a horrible state herself.

I guess my point is that no matter what the trigger was for the depression or anxiety, if you have one of the postpartum disorders then you just have it and you have to deal with it. Some may see your particular trigger as something you should just get over, but it's just not like that. You can't 'set your mind' to get over whatever it is that triggered these feelings. You have to get treatment. And treatment does not have to be medicines. In my case, I hate taking medicines and I was nursing so I was worried about taking anything, even though there are plenty of perfectly safe antidepressants and anti anxiety medications out there for nursing moms. I went the route of hypnotherapy because it has helped me so much in the past with other issues.



But my battle is never over. I find myself having to go back to my hypnotherapy anxiety CDs every so often because this isn't something you are just 'cured' of. It's something you carry with you for the rest of your life, together with the guilt and shame. And it shouldn't be. I wonder if moms who took antidepressants or anti anxiety medicines to treat their postpartum depression/anxiety didn't need any more help after they were done with the medications. But I'm ok with having to go back to my hypnotherapy CDs from time to time. I chose to not go on medications not because I think there is something wrong with taking them. I was nursing and was afraid of what it would do to Liam even though there are plenty of nursing-safe options out there and doctors really work with you on finding the right medicine and the right dosage. But I always had trouble with taking medications and I like to live as purely as I can. I am not ruling out the possibility of needing them at some point in the future though.

I am so tired all the time. Being so exhausted all the time isn't helping. It isn't helping my moods. It isn't helping my marriage. The lack of sleep thanks to an 8 months old who still nurses 2-3 times a night really takes a toll on a woman. But I will get through it I am sure.

On some days it's really hard to get out of bed and going in the morning. I am trying to find the time to exercise but it's really near impossible. With all the extra cooking I have to do to accommodate all the food allergies in our home and Scott's ulceritive colitis food limitations I find myself constantly cooking, constantly hungry, constantly eating and feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat. Yes, I know to most people I look good. But it's how I feel that matters. And of course, when you don't get enough sleep, it makes it even more difficult to lose weight and to find the energy to wake up. The thing is that I never rest. When the baby naps I'm doing all the chores. And the only time I really stop is when I am nursing the baby.

I am hoping that baby Aiden will cut down to one feeding per night soon and then to none and then I plan on getting up at 5 am every day and go out for a run. And I am hoping to start taking exercise classes at the gym on the weekends when Scott can watch the kids. Thank God Aiden actually takes bottles because Liam never did so I was never able to get away from him for more than a couple of hours.

I think I am done babbling. My point for the whole thing was to ask other moms out there to be compassionate of moms who are going through postpartum depression. I ask other moms to never judge us and never make us feel like we're not as good of mothers. I ask them to let us talk about our depression if we want to without trying to change the subject because it makes you feel uncomfortable. And I ask you other moms to try to watch out for your new mommy friends and see if you spot signs of postpartum depression and anxiety and help that person seek professional help.



And one last thing. With Aiden I don't have anxiety like I had with Liam. I feel very confident in my mothering skills and capabilities. I know I did a good job with Liam and things that seemed so difficult to do on my own with Liam, now seem really easy to do on my own with Aiden, or at least much easier. So obviously the hypnotherapy helped and I am very optimistic about the future.

But, I am not the kind of person to tempt fate. As much as I would love to have more children, I realize that my body (and my OB is in completely agreement here) was just not meant to delivery babies. And I realize that I will always be at risk for depression and/or anxiety so it will not be a good idea to have another baby. Not to mention, I am constantly dreaming of the day when Aiden is a bit older and we will have two kids who sleep through the night. Just hoping it won't take as long as it did with Liam - 2.5 years!!!