Every mommy-to-be thinks it won't happen to her. I thought so too. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother. In fact, I used to say that if I didn't find 'the One' by the time I was 35, I would just go ahead and have a baby on my own. Of course I am glad I did find Scott and that I didn't have to have a baby on my own because it is such hard work and to have to go through that alone would have sucked really bad. But sometimes, even when you have a wonderful and very supportive partner, like I do, you still end up with postpartum depression. In my case it was postpartum anxiety, which happens to 10-15 percent of women. That is not a small number of women. People really only know the term postpartum depression so I never bother to go into more detail of what happened to me. But postpartum anxiety is real and very debilitating.
I participate in a breastfeeding support group and many of the moms there are new moms (though there are some that have older children like myself though). We sometimes go to lunch after the group meets. I am very open about the postpartum anxiety that I had after Liam was born because it is important that other moms feel like they can turn to someone. I had absolutely no one to turn to. It was horrible. It was lonely and I felt guilty and ashamed. I felt like a failure. I don't want any other mom on this planet to feel the way I felt, so if by opening up about my anxiety I can help someone else, then so be it.
But when I do mention it, sometimes, from some moms, I get those looks that almost say: "Oh, poor her, it could never happen to me because I love my baby." Well, I have news for these moms, I loved my baby very very much as well. In fact, since my disorder was not depression, but was anxiety, I never had to deal with not feeling a connection with my child right away. In spite of the horrible labor and delivery that I had, the minute I held Liam in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed by a wave of such intense love that I have never felt before in my life. And luckily, I felt the same way when I held Aiden in my arms for the first time. I actually consider myself one of the lucky ones because I did get to experience that instant love and instant bonding that most moms who do have postpartum depression don't get to feel until after they have started treatment for their depression.
And so to those moms who think we 'other' moms don't love their baby enough I want to tell you that it's not true. We love our babies just as much as you love yours. It's just that something is off. In the case of depression, it's the inability to connect with your baby and the shame that comes with that when everyone around you is harping on you with questions about how amazing it is to hold that baby for the first time and blah blah blah. In the case of anxiety, it's the constant fear of being left alone with the baby because you feel like there's no way you'll be able to take care of the baby by yourself all day long. I felt that day every single day of Liam's first year or so when Scott would leave for work in the morning until he got home. And when he would announce a work trip coming, sometimes weeks in advance, I would start dreading it weeks ahead of time and get panic attacks weeks in advance. And trust me, I took care of my baby just fine, I just didn't realize it.
For me it was the fear to leave the house with the baby because I wouldn't know how to handle him if he was fussy or needed a diaper change or something of the sort. So I was stuck at home with him for about 10 months until I started a mommy & me group. And of course that group made me feel even more inadequate because all the moms there seemed so perfect and like they had it together. And they made it seem like it was so easy. It was easy for everyone around me and it was unbearable for me.
I still have feelings of guilt every once in a while. I need to get rid of them. I just read that a risk factor of postpartum depression or anxiety is a traumatic birth experience. I wish I had known that before I gave birth. I kept feeling like I shouldn't let the birth experience that nearly killed me and my son affect me so much and everyone around me just kept telling me to get over it. Well, I couldn't and honestly, I still can't forget what happened and how wrong it all went.
My friend whose baby had to go through open heart surgery when he was an infant also suffered from postpartum anxiety. It was obvious that it had to do with the stress and fear for her child's life. She and everyone else around her understood why she had anxiety attacks. She and everyone around me didn't understand why I was so anxious. She even asked me in a very judgmental way what reason I had to justify my anxiety (this was after I got treatment and was better). I forgave her because I knew she didn't know anything about postpartum disorders and because she was in a horrible state herself.
I guess my point is that no matter what the trigger was for the depression or anxiety, if you have one of the postpartum disorders then you just have it and you have to deal with it. Some may see your particular trigger as something you should just get over, but it's just not like that. You can't 'set your mind' to get over whatever it is that triggered these feelings. You have to get treatment. And treatment does not have to be medicines. In my case, I hate taking medicines and I was nursing so I was worried about taking anything, even though there are plenty of perfectly safe antidepressants and anti anxiety medications out there for nursing moms. I went the route of hypnotherapy because it has helped me so much in the past with other issues.
But my battle is never over. I find myself having to go back to my hypnotherapy anxiety CDs every so often because this isn't something you are just 'cured' of. It's something you carry with you for the rest of your life, together with the guilt and shame. And it shouldn't be. I wonder if moms who took antidepressants or anti anxiety medicines to treat their postpartum depression/anxiety didn't need any more help after they were done with the medications. But I'm ok with having to go back to my hypnotherapy CDs from time to time. I chose to not go on medications not because I think there is something wrong with taking them. I was nursing and was afraid of what it would do to Liam even though there are plenty of nursing-safe options out there and doctors really work with you on finding the right medicine and the right dosage. But I always had trouble with taking medications and I like to live as purely as I can. I am not ruling out the possibility of needing them at some point in the future though.
I am so tired all the time. Being so exhausted all the time isn't helping. It isn't helping my moods. It isn't helping my marriage. The lack of sleep thanks to an 8 months old who still nurses 2-3 times a night really takes a toll on a woman. But I will get through it I am sure.
On some days it's really hard to get out of bed and going in the morning. I am trying to find the time to exercise but it's really near impossible. With all the extra cooking I have to do to accommodate all the food allergies in our home and Scott's ulceritive colitis food limitations I find myself constantly cooking, constantly hungry, constantly eating and feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat. Yes, I know to most people I look good. But it's how I feel that matters. And of course, when you don't get enough sleep, it makes it even more difficult to lose weight and to find the energy to wake up. The thing is that I never rest. When the baby naps I'm doing all the chores. And the only time I really stop is when I am nursing the baby.
I am hoping that baby Aiden will cut down to one feeding per night soon and then to none and then I plan on getting up at 5 am every day and go out for a run. And I am hoping to start taking exercise classes at the gym on the weekends when Scott can watch the kids. Thank God Aiden actually takes bottles because Liam never did so I was never able to get away from him for more than a couple of hours.
I think I am done babbling. My point for the whole thing was to ask other moms out there to be compassionate of moms who are going through postpartum depression. I ask other moms to never judge us and never make us feel like we're not as good of mothers. I ask them to let us talk about our depression if we want to without trying to change the subject because it makes you feel uncomfortable. And I ask you other moms to try to watch out for your new mommy friends and see if you spot signs of postpartum depression and anxiety and help that person seek professional help.
And one last thing. With Aiden I don't have anxiety like I had with Liam. I feel very confident in my mothering skills and capabilities. I know I did a good job with Liam and things that seemed so difficult to do on my own with Liam, now seem really easy to do on my own with Aiden, or at least much easier. So obviously the hypnotherapy helped and I am very optimistic about the future.
But, I am not the kind of person to tempt fate. As much as I would love to have more children, I realize that my body (and my OB is in completely agreement here) was just not meant to delivery babies. And I realize that I will always be at risk for depression and/or anxiety so it will not be a good idea to have another baby. Not to mention, I am constantly dreaming of the day when Aiden is a bit older and we will have two kids who sleep through the night. Just hoping it won't take as long as it did with Liam - 2.5 years!!!
