Happy Pills Update

The Happy Pills are wonderful. They started working after 3 days (the doctor's guess was 4 days to 6 weeks). I am on the lowest dose and see no reason to increase as they are working so well.

On day 3 I was super tired (as usual) after an exceptionally bad night for baby Aiden. Usually, after Scott takes Liam to preschool, I put baby Aiden down for his morning nap and have very little time to clean up from breakfast, eat, and get a load of laundry in as he always naps for such a short amount of time. But like I said, I was even more tired than usual, and I was saying to my baby: "maybe I'll take a nap with you and clean up after the nap". As those words were leaving my mouth I was in shock. Did I actually say that I will NAP and clean up AFTER napping? Could it be? That's when I realized that the pills had started working.

Since then, there have been many wonderful morning naps with the baby.

I am not cured from cleaning. But, I am not obsessed with it anymore.

I am totally enjoying my time with the kids now as I am not constantly thinking about what I can and should be cleaning.

I am not so stressed out anymore. And when I take a deep breath now, I actually feel like I can breath.

So yes, the happy pills are working well and my only regret is not having taken them after having Liam and not having started on them much sooner after Aiden was born

And Here We Go Again...

So I thought and felt I was doing well and would be able to get through Aiden's first year without suffering from postpartum anxiety again. But it was not to be. It is back. It is bad. And I need treatment.

I was doing great the first few months. Even though I was overwhelmed with taking care of two kids so close in age and with how challenging Liam has been I was still doing well. But ever since we discovered Aiden's multiple food allergies and the effect they have had on my diet as well as his things have been going downhill.

I am constantly having to cook to satisfy Liam's allergy needs and Aiden's (and therefore mine) allergy needs. It's not like I have a lot of time on my hands as is. But even the little that I have is spent cooking because it's hard for us to find something safe to get from outside sources.

It's hard to go to places with Liam because we always have that fear for his life looming over our heads. And people whose kids do not have food allergies really don't get it. Some of them are downright inconsiderate. But it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

So slowly and gradually I've been feeling like I have no control over anything. I try to keep a food log for everything we put in our mouths but it's overwhelming to try to remember so much detail.

Recently, Scott also announced that he has a trip to the UK coming up in March for a week. His dad already said that he won't be able to help the entire time and even though it's not until March I am already freaking out about it

We also had a visit to his family for Thanksgiving and that was as stressful as I thought it was going to be

So things have been building up and the other day I realized that I have become consumed with cleaning and thoughts of cleaning. Even when I'm trying to have fun with the kids I can't stop thinking about cleaning. It is a coping mechanism. I realize I have no control over anything that happens in our lives and so I do the one thing I can control - I clean. But I also freak out if anything is out of place or gets dirty. I sanitize the bristles of our broom after every time I sweep and I sweep several times a day. What is going on is insane. It is OCD. Very OCD.

I was never big into the idea of taking anti-anxiety medication. I don't like to take medication in general. When I realized I was having postpartum anxiety after Liam my treatment with my hypnotherapist worked really really well. But he lives an hour away and then the session is an hour long and then another hour back. That is 3 hours and I have no one to care for Aiden in the mornings and the afternoons are not an option because I have to get Liam from preschool. So I realized I would have to find a more temporary solution until I can get back to my hypnotherapist.

I went to see my OB nurse practitioner today as my OB is out of town. I have started taking anti-anxiety medication today. I will need to make time to go to regular counseling so that I can learn coping mechanisms but in the meantime, the medication will start calming down my panic attacks a bit.

I have no idea how we will figure out a way to make it possible for me to have the time to get counseling but it is important and we will figure it out. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who has been putting up with me for so long and is on board on helping me in any way possible.

In a way I feel very fortunate that I have postpartum anxiety rather than postpartum depression. If I feel somewhat ashamed of this happening to me again, I can't even begin to imagine how moms who cannot bond with their children feel. Not to mention the many, absolutely wonderful moms out there with more severe postpartum depression who have thoughts of hurting their children. So I am actually lucky that my anxiety manifests itself in obsessiveness with cleaning and other emotional issues, none of which are inability to bond with my children.

I need help and I am starting to get it and I am proud of myself for it.

I am on the lowest dose and hopefully will not have to increase it. It is safe for breastfeeding.

This isn't easy for me to talk about but I am talking about it so that other moms know there are options out there and the sooner you get help, the better they can feel and the stronger their families will be.

I am disappointed that it's happening again but I will get through it and everything will be ok.