Happy Pills Update

The Happy Pills are wonderful. They started working after 3 days (the doctor's guess was 4 days to 6 weeks). I am on the lowest dose and see no reason to increase as they are working so well.

On day 3 I was super tired (as usual) after an exceptionally bad night for baby Aiden. Usually, after Scott takes Liam to preschool, I put baby Aiden down for his morning nap and have very little time to clean up from breakfast, eat, and get a load of laundry in as he always naps for such a short amount of time. But like I said, I was even more tired than usual, and I was saying to my baby: "maybe I'll take a nap with you and clean up after the nap". As those words were leaving my mouth I was in shock. Did I actually say that I will NAP and clean up AFTER napping? Could it be? That's when I realized that the pills had started working.

Since then, there have been many wonderful morning naps with the baby.

I am not cured from cleaning. But, I am not obsessed with it anymore.

I am totally enjoying my time with the kids now as I am not constantly thinking about what I can and should be cleaning.

I am not so stressed out anymore. And when I take a deep breath now, I actually feel like I can breath.

So yes, the happy pills are working well and my only regret is not having taken them after having Liam and not having started on them much sooner after Aiden was born

And Here We Go Again...

So I thought and felt I was doing well and would be able to get through Aiden's first year without suffering from postpartum anxiety again. But it was not to be. It is back. It is bad. And I need treatment.

I was doing great the first few months. Even though I was overwhelmed with taking care of two kids so close in age and with how challenging Liam has been I was still doing well. But ever since we discovered Aiden's multiple food allergies and the effect they have had on my diet as well as his things have been going downhill.

I am constantly having to cook to satisfy Liam's allergy needs and Aiden's (and therefore mine) allergy needs. It's not like I have a lot of time on my hands as is. But even the little that I have is spent cooking because it's hard for us to find something safe to get from outside sources.

It's hard to go to places with Liam because we always have that fear for his life looming over our heads. And people whose kids do not have food allergies really don't get it. Some of them are downright inconsiderate. But it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

So slowly and gradually I've been feeling like I have no control over anything. I try to keep a food log for everything we put in our mouths but it's overwhelming to try to remember so much detail.

Recently, Scott also announced that he has a trip to the UK coming up in March for a week. His dad already said that he won't be able to help the entire time and even though it's not until March I am already freaking out about it

We also had a visit to his family for Thanksgiving and that was as stressful as I thought it was going to be

So things have been building up and the other day I realized that I have become consumed with cleaning and thoughts of cleaning. Even when I'm trying to have fun with the kids I can't stop thinking about cleaning. It is a coping mechanism. I realize I have no control over anything that happens in our lives and so I do the one thing I can control - I clean. But I also freak out if anything is out of place or gets dirty. I sanitize the bristles of our broom after every time I sweep and I sweep several times a day. What is going on is insane. It is OCD. Very OCD.

I was never big into the idea of taking anti-anxiety medication. I don't like to take medication in general. When I realized I was having postpartum anxiety after Liam my treatment with my hypnotherapist worked really really well. But he lives an hour away and then the session is an hour long and then another hour back. That is 3 hours and I have no one to care for Aiden in the mornings and the afternoons are not an option because I have to get Liam from preschool. So I realized I would have to find a more temporary solution until I can get back to my hypnotherapist.

I went to see my OB nurse practitioner today as my OB is out of town. I have started taking anti-anxiety medication today. I will need to make time to go to regular counseling so that I can learn coping mechanisms but in the meantime, the medication will start calming down my panic attacks a bit.

I have no idea how we will figure out a way to make it possible for me to have the time to get counseling but it is important and we will figure it out. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who has been putting up with me for so long and is on board on helping me in any way possible.

In a way I feel very fortunate that I have postpartum anxiety rather than postpartum depression. If I feel somewhat ashamed of this happening to me again, I can't even begin to imagine how moms who cannot bond with their children feel. Not to mention the many, absolutely wonderful moms out there with more severe postpartum depression who have thoughts of hurting their children. So I am actually lucky that my anxiety manifests itself in obsessiveness with cleaning and other emotional issues, none of which are inability to bond with my children.

I need help and I am starting to get it and I am proud of myself for it.

I am on the lowest dose and hopefully will not have to increase it. It is safe for breastfeeding.

This isn't easy for me to talk about but I am talking about it so that other moms know there are options out there and the sooner you get help, the better they can feel and the stronger their families will be.

I am disappointed that it's happening again but I will get through it and everything will be ok.

Disappointments

Last Saturday was our 5 year anniversary. I booked us a sitter (our regular sitter wasn't available) a month in advance to make sure we would be able to go out. The plan was for me to put the baby down for the night as usual between 7-7:30 pm and have her put Liam to bed. She was supposed to arrive at 6:30 pm. She was a no-show. No call, no text, nothing! A similar thing happened to us a few weeks ago when I was supposed to go to a back-to-school night at Liam's new preschool and Scott had an important business dinner. That girl (who has sat for us many times before) was a no-show as well. I was actually worried that something bad happened to them. Later found out through other people that they were both just fine. They just didn't have the common courtesy to let me know they weren't going to make it. I know they are young (19,20 years old) but seriously, if I had pulled something like that I would have gotten into so much trouble from my parents. I wasn't raised this way and it is sad to find so many are being raised this way. So we never got to go out for our anniversary.

I had also been sick for the two weeks prior and wasn't feeling that great that day but decided I would make the most of it. But never got the chance to.

Fast forward to yesterday, my birthday. I turned 33 yesterday. It was a pretty crappy day. Our sitter had been out with the pink-eye and so I never got to have a special day. Luckily, hubby did one nice thing - surprised me with my favorite Chinese for dinner. Of course we never got to actually eat it together because the kids were needing stuff like they always do.

And last night Liam wasn't feeling well and Aiden wasn't feeling well and so today we took them to the doctor (I told Scott there was no way I'm taking two sick kids to the doctor on my own on so little sleep). So my two precious boys have Strep. This is Aiden's 2nd Strep in his not yet 9 months of life and he's already had 2 ear infections as well. This sucks! So Liam is home tomorrow as well and it's Aiden's well appointment tomorrow. He'll go to it but no vaccines for him! SO tomorrow will be fun with having the two at home again. This afternoon I was trying to nurse the baby on the sofa and Liam kept trying to push him off of me. LOVELY! So Liam was crying and the baby was crying. It was fun!

Children really cramp your style sometimes, that's all I have to say! I love my children to death. Really, I would do anything for them. But sometimes I just want to run away and hide from it all. Of course, usually, my hiding is over after a 5 minute bathroom break (I don't always get to go alone either) but I still day-dream about some island with drinks with little umbrellas (though I don't actually like to drink) and well, the rest is not for sharing

But, on the plus side, a few nights ago I got 6 straight hours of sleep. This was a first since Liam, my first child, was born. Mind you, he is almost 3 years old so it's been a long time coming. Of course the nights after that sucked, but at least I have those 6 straight hours that I got that one time to live on.

Ok, I gotta go clean up the mess the kids made today. Yay for me!

Battling Postpartum Depression

Every mommy-to-be thinks it won't happen to her. I thought so too. I have always felt that I was born to be a mother. In fact, I used to say that if I didn't find 'the One' by the time I was 35, I would just go ahead and have a baby on my own. Of course I am glad I did find Scott and that I didn't have to have a baby on my own because it is such hard work and to have to go through that alone would have sucked really bad. But sometimes, even when you have a wonderful and very supportive partner, like I do, you still end up with postpartum depression. In my case it was postpartum anxiety, which happens to 10-15 percent of women. That is not a small number of women. People really only know the term postpartum depression so I never bother to go into more detail of what happened to me. But postpartum anxiety is real and very debilitating.

I participate in a breastfeeding support group and many of the moms there are new moms (though there are some that have older children like myself though). We sometimes go to lunch after the group meets. I am very open about the postpartum anxiety that I had after Liam was born because it is important that other moms feel like they can turn to someone. I had absolutely no one to turn to. It was horrible. It was lonely and I felt guilty and ashamed. I felt like a failure. I don't want any other mom on this planet to feel the way I felt, so if by opening up about my anxiety I can help someone else, then so be it.

But when I do mention it, sometimes, from some moms, I get those looks that almost say: "Oh, poor her, it could never happen to me because I love my baby." Well, I have news for these moms, I loved my baby very very much as well. In fact, since my disorder was not depression, but was anxiety, I never had to deal with not feeling a connection with my child right away. In spite of the horrible labor and delivery that I had, the minute I held Liam in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed by a wave of such intense love that I have never felt before in my life. And luckily, I felt the same way when I held Aiden in my arms for the first time. I actually consider myself one of the lucky ones because I did get to experience that instant love and instant bonding that most moms who do have postpartum depression don't get to feel until after they have started treatment for their depression.

And so to those moms who think we 'other' moms don't love their baby enough I want to tell you that it's not true. We love our babies just as much as you love yours. It's just that something is off. In the case of depression, it's the inability to connect with your baby and the shame that comes with that when everyone around you is harping on you with questions about how amazing it is to hold that baby for the first time and blah blah blah. In the case of anxiety, it's the constant fear of being left alone with the baby because you feel like there's no way you'll be able to take care of the baby by yourself all day long. I felt that day every single day of Liam's first year or so when Scott would leave for work in the morning until he got home. And when he would announce a work trip coming, sometimes weeks in advance, I would start dreading it weeks ahead of time and get panic attacks weeks in advance. And trust me, I took care of my baby just fine, I just didn't realize it.

For me it was the fear to leave the house with the baby because I wouldn't know how to handle him if he was fussy or needed a diaper change or something of the sort. So I was stuck at home with him for about 10 months until I started a mommy & me group. And of course that group made me feel even more inadequate because all the moms there seemed so perfect and like they had it together. And they made it seem like it was so easy. It was easy for everyone around me and it was unbearable for me.

I still have feelings of guilt every once in a while. I need to get rid of them. I just read that a risk factor of postpartum depression or anxiety is a traumatic birth experience. I wish I had known that before I gave birth. I kept feeling like I shouldn't let the birth experience that nearly killed me and my son affect me so much and everyone around me just kept telling me to get over it. Well, I couldn't and honestly, I still can't forget what happened and how wrong it all went.

My friend whose baby had to go through open heart surgery when he was an infant also suffered from postpartum anxiety. It was obvious that it had to do with the stress and fear for her child's life. She and everyone else around her understood why she had anxiety attacks. She and everyone around me didn't understand why I was so anxious. She even asked me in a very judgmental way what reason I had to justify my anxiety (this was after I got treatment and was better). I forgave her because I knew she didn't know anything about postpartum disorders and because she was in a horrible state herself.

I guess my point is that no matter what the trigger was for the depression or anxiety, if you have one of the postpartum disorders then you just have it and you have to deal with it. Some may see your particular trigger as something you should just get over, but it's just not like that. You can't 'set your mind' to get over whatever it is that triggered these feelings. You have to get treatment. And treatment does not have to be medicines. In my case, I hate taking medicines and I was nursing so I was worried about taking anything, even though there are plenty of perfectly safe antidepressants and anti anxiety medications out there for nursing moms. I went the route of hypnotherapy because it has helped me so much in the past with other issues.



But my battle is never over. I find myself having to go back to my hypnotherapy anxiety CDs every so often because this isn't something you are just 'cured' of. It's something you carry with you for the rest of your life, together with the guilt and shame. And it shouldn't be. I wonder if moms who took antidepressants or anti anxiety medicines to treat their postpartum depression/anxiety didn't need any more help after they were done with the medications. But I'm ok with having to go back to my hypnotherapy CDs from time to time. I chose to not go on medications not because I think there is something wrong with taking them. I was nursing and was afraid of what it would do to Liam even though there are plenty of nursing-safe options out there and doctors really work with you on finding the right medicine and the right dosage. But I always had trouble with taking medications and I like to live as purely as I can. I am not ruling out the possibility of needing them at some point in the future though.

I am so tired all the time. Being so exhausted all the time isn't helping. It isn't helping my moods. It isn't helping my marriage. The lack of sleep thanks to an 8 months old who still nurses 2-3 times a night really takes a toll on a woman. But I will get through it I am sure.

On some days it's really hard to get out of bed and going in the morning. I am trying to find the time to exercise but it's really near impossible. With all the extra cooking I have to do to accommodate all the food allergies in our home and Scott's ulceritive colitis food limitations I find myself constantly cooking, constantly hungry, constantly eating and feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat. Yes, I know to most people I look good. But it's how I feel that matters. And of course, when you don't get enough sleep, it makes it even more difficult to lose weight and to find the energy to wake up. The thing is that I never rest. When the baby naps I'm doing all the chores. And the only time I really stop is when I am nursing the baby.

I am hoping that baby Aiden will cut down to one feeding per night soon and then to none and then I plan on getting up at 5 am every day and go out for a run. And I am hoping to start taking exercise classes at the gym on the weekends when Scott can watch the kids. Thank God Aiden actually takes bottles because Liam never did so I was never able to get away from him for more than a couple of hours.

I think I am done babbling. My point for the whole thing was to ask other moms out there to be compassionate of moms who are going through postpartum depression. I ask other moms to never judge us and never make us feel like we're not as good of mothers. I ask them to let us talk about our depression if we want to without trying to change the subject because it makes you feel uncomfortable. And I ask you other moms to try to watch out for your new mommy friends and see if you spot signs of postpartum depression and anxiety and help that person seek professional help.



And one last thing. With Aiden I don't have anxiety like I had with Liam. I feel very confident in my mothering skills and capabilities. I know I did a good job with Liam and things that seemed so difficult to do on my own with Liam, now seem really easy to do on my own with Aiden, or at least much easier. So obviously the hypnotherapy helped and I am very optimistic about the future.

But, I am not the kind of person to tempt fate. As much as I would love to have more children, I realize that my body (and my OB is in completely agreement here) was just not meant to delivery babies. And I realize that I will always be at risk for depression and/or anxiety so it will not be a good idea to have another baby. Not to mention, I am constantly dreaming of the day when Aiden is a bit older and we will have two kids who sleep through the night. Just hoping it won't take as long as it did with Liam - 2.5 years!!!

How to Make Green Beans Puree for your Baby

You can use fresh green beans (you’ll have to cut the stems off) but I find it easier to buy a bag of cut, frozen green beans (I get organic but it’s not necessary).

I start with just a quarter bag or half a bag because your child might not like them

I use any steamer (I use a microwave steamer) and use about 1-2 ounces of water and if it’s a quarter bad I steam for 3 minutes in the microwave (eat one to see if it’s soft enough). For a half a bag I do about 5-6 minutes. It varies by microwave of course so you have to just eat a few beans along the way to see if they are soft enough.

I wait for them to cool a bit. Then I run them through the food processor or blender. I use the water it was steamed in to add. The more water you add, the smoother the consistency. The younger the baby, the smoother you want it. For the older baby you can make it less smooth. For an 11 months old baby you can just steam then and serve for the baby to eat with his/her hands.

When they are pureed to a smooth texture I spoon it into the ice cube trays and freeze and then pop into a zip lock bag and write the contents and date

Enjoy!

How to Make Sweet Green Peas Puree for your Baby

Green peas are one of the best first foods because they are naturally sweet. You can use fresh peas but I find it easier to buy a bag a frozen peas (I get organic but it’s not necessary).

I start with just a quarter bag or half a bag because your child might not like them

I use any steamer (I use a microwave steamer) and use about 1-2 ounces of water and if it’s a quarter bad I steam for 3 minutes in the microwave (eat one to see if it’s soft enough). For a half a bag I do about 5-6 minutes. It varies by microwave of course so you have to just eat a few peas along the way to see if they are soft enough.

If you use a steamer pot then put the frozen peas in the basket. Put a bit of water in the pot. Let the water boil first, then lower to simmer and let simmer for about 10-15 minutes until very soft.

I wait for them to cool a bit. Then I run them through the food processor or blender. I use the water it was steamed in to add. The more water you add, the smoother the consistency. The younger the baby, the smoother you want it. For the older baby you can make it less smooth. For a 10 months old you can just steam then and mash them with a fork and let him/her go to town and make a horrible mess with their fingers!

When they are pureed to a smooth texture I spoon it into the ice cube trays and freeze and then pop into a zip lock bag and write the contents and date

Enjoy!

Everything You Need to Make Your Own Baby Food...

1. You need to realize that making your own baby food is a lot of work. Hopefully, this (and my recipes of how to prepare certain foods) will help reduce a lot of the trial and error that I went through when I did this for Liam (my first born) for you but there will still be some trial and error no matter what. It is, however, much tastier than even the organic jar food and much cheaper to make your own food. Keep in mind though that if you end up with jar food (part-time like myself or full time because you are sick and tired of making your own food) that it does not make you a bad mom or even less of a good mom than the moms who make all of their baby’s food at home
2. 
   Another thing to keep in mind is that when you start baby foods, especially the cereals, babies tend to get constipated (especially those who never had formula and are only breastfed). The remedy for that is to give some baby prunes every day (I love the Gerber organic ones) or a mix of an ounce of water and an ounce of prune juice every day or an ounce of water and an ounce of white grape juice every day. That’s what we have to do with Aiden. Liam never got constipated. I have no idea how to make your own baby prunes. I would imagine it would involve the usual method and then straining on top of it and that is just too much work! You can also do the cereal together with breast milk and with baby prunes or baby pears all mixed together, warm it up a bit before serving and you kill two birds at once!
3. Know that there are things you will have to give from a jar such as carrots, spinach and all of those types because even the organic ones can have too much nitrates in them. That is another reason to try to use only organic produce when making your own food as they usually have very little nitrates in them. The baby food companies have to screen them for nitrate levels and have the equipment for doing so and we don’t. So those are considered unsafe to make at home.
4. 
   A steamer pot or a microwave vegetable steamer. I highly recommend using the microwave version. I used steaming pots with Liam (my first son) and it was so time consuming in terms of cleaning and all and the microwave steamer is just as healthy and SO MUCH easier when it comes to cleaning because it’s small so you only rinse it in between veggies/fruits and pop it into the dishwasher when done! A good steaming pot is this one http://www.farberwarecookware.com/cs/Satellite/Product+-+Farberware+Classic+Series+3+Qt.+Steamer+Set/mProduct/1192055216775/farberware/1198793760705/mProduct/CookwareDetailEcomm.htm (you can find it at Bed Bath & Beyond and use a coupon). The microwave steamer that I like is this one http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=13032211 but you can also get something like this http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=16574414 and you will also have a microwave rice cooker (but I prefer the above one because it is small and easy to rinse and pop into the dishwasher). I am considering upgrading to this one though http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=15797720 because it just seems better and can be used in the oven as well. I did not see it in my Bed Bath & Beyond so it might only be available online. The reason for a steamer is that steaming is the one method that maintains the most nutrients. Boiling takes away a good chunk of the nutrients.
5. You will need flexible, silicone ice cube trays, preferably with covers so that nothing gets on the cubes of food you will be freezing to store; also, if you get the ones with the cover, you can stack them in the freezer. The covers are also nice because when you pop the cubes, you pop them into the cover tray and then slide them into a zip lock bag to go back into the freezer. These are the ones I like and they do have them in the store http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=11894224 I have 6 of them because with Liam I used to make a whole lot of food on the weekends but 2-4 will be plenty. They are dishwasher safe. I am sure there are lots of other perfectly good ice cube trays, I just happen to really like these
6. 
   Depending if you will be making one thing at a time or several things at a time and depending on the quantities you plan on making (like if you are a working mom you will probably make a whole lot on the weekends) then you would want either a mini food processor (for small amounts at a time) or a full size food processor or full size blender. I prefer using a food processor but blenders work perfectly fine as well so if you have a blender there’s no need to run out and get a food processor and vice versa. The little food mills they sell you at baby stores and baby catalogs are absolutely useless. With Liam I made a lot at once and different things at once but with Aiden, with having less time I find myself using the mini food processor and just doing things whenever I have a bit of time.
7. Various sizes of zip-lock type bags and a Sharpie to write on the zip-lock bags the date and contents

How to Make Zucchini and Yellow Squash Puree for Baby

How to Make Zucchini & Yellow Squash:

Wash, peel, and cut into cubes or circles. Steam. Usually after boiling it’s about 5-10 minutes on low/simmer depending on the amount for it to be soft enough. You will have to check with a fork.

If you use a microwave steamer (which I recommend doing because it is a major time and work saver) then you probably only need to steam for 2 minutes but you will have to check because it will depend on how powerful your microwave is.

Wait to cool

Blend/process and you are done

How to Make Butternut Squash for baby (and other squashes)

How to Make Butternut Squash/Spaghetti Squaesh/Acorn Squash…:

Ask the produce person at the grocery store to cut it halfway lengthwise. They will gladly do it for you.

Use either a disposable aluminum pan or Pyrex large enough for the squash that you have.

Scoop out all the seeds and nasty stringy stuff. The put them with the open side facing down so that they don’t dry out. Add about ½ cup of water. pre-heat oven to 350F and bake for anywhere between 40 minutes to 1 hour or as long as necessary. Acorn squash is the smallest I think so it would be closer to 40 minutes and spaghetti and butternut squashes would be close to an hour. For example, the butternut squash I made today was bigger than usual so it took an hour and five minutes.

The way you know if it’s cooked enough is that you put a fork through it and it goes in easily. You then want to wait for it to cool down before you do anything else

Once it has cooled down enough you can run it through a blender or food processor. If the consistency doesn’t become smooth enough use some of the water from the pan you baked it in to smooth it out some more. The benefit of that is that the water it was cooked in now has the nutrients as opposed to just using fresh water.

When he’s about 8-10 months old you will no longer have to run it through the blender. You’ll be able to just mash it with a fork for him.

You can scoop it into the ice cube trays, freeze over night and then pop them out to a freezer zip lock bag and just microwave before you serve so it’s not too cool.

Once you have cleared him for allergies for each of the squashes you can start mixing them together for a more interesting flavor and can start mixing with other things he has been cleared for allergies. Butternut squash is really good with chicken for example but that doesn’t come till about 7-8 months.

And the Allergy Saga Continues

So we got baby Aiden tested for allergies yesterday. For those of you who are just starting to read about our lives, you should know that Liam has life threatening allergies to peanuts and sesame to the level that he should not be touched by someone who ate anything with nuts and sesame and has not washed his hands and brushed his teeth before touching him. Those allergies make life very difficult when purchasing groceries and when being anywhere outside of home where it is safe for him. Any tiny mistake can result in the loss of his life.

So for baby Aiden there are some good and bad news. The good news is that none of his allergies are as life threatening as Liam's. The bad news is that is allergic to 18 things thus far. We have only tested him for 22 things because there's just so much you can do at one time on such a young baby.

So he is level 2 (Liam's allergies are level 4 which is the highest) for salmon, tuna, cow's milk and goat's milk. That means I can't have any of those in anything for at least 4 months and then I can try to add one thing at a time in very small quantities and document any reactions.

His level 1 allergies are for beef, eggs, apples, avocado, barley, corn (which is in everything), oats (meaning he can't have cheerios), rice, mustard, peanuts, and soy. That means I have no milk source other than coconut milk which tastes nasty to me. For all of these I have to be on a small-quantity, rotation diet. So I can have some rice once a week, 1 egg per week, and so on and so forth and document the reactions.

I have to keep a food log of everything I eat and everything the baby eats (he is starting solid foods). He will also have to be on a rotation diet. I have to document every strange poop or new eczema or anything that is out of the ordinary.

Not really sure what kind of milk other than my own milk I'll ever be able to put him on. The options out there are goat's milk, rice milk, almond milk and soy milk. We haven't tested him for almonds but since we can't have anything with almonds in the house because of Liam that's not an option even if he is not allergic to it. And he is allergic to the rest of them.

I went grocery shopping today and it took so long to read all the labels for all the additional stuff to nuts and sesame. It was difficult and exhausting.

It is very frustrating to open the fridge and pantry and know that there's very little that I can eat. And what I can eat today I can't eat more than once per week.

I am mostly scared of the things we have not tested him for yet. I hope nothing is going to be a level 4. To be constantly afraid for the life of one child is enough to live with and we hope to at least not have to be constantly afraid for Aiden's life as well

I am currently overwhelmed and a little bit depressed. I'm supposed to have a healthy diet because I am breastfeeding yet I can't have the things that are the healthiest for me.

Ok, I am done venting. I just need to take the time to process this and get used to this and not to starve in the meantime.

Random Thoughts

I was planning on writing some about how much I appreciate my husband and glad to have one that helps with the kids and all. I know too many moms who have to do it all on their own and I couldn't even imagine having to do that. It would be so physically draining and emotionally, well, I don't even want to go there. But tonight I'm a bit pissed off at him... I have some sort of a stomach virus so I am not at my best. I didn't get much sleep last night between being in the bathroom and nursing the baby.

This morning we had Liam's first Gymnastics Extravaganza! Let me explain...

I signed Liam up for extra classes at his day-care for gym and music. Thought it would be good for him to expend some of that endless energy he has in a gym class and music is something ALL kids just LOVE. Well, he has been taking this gym class since February or March I think and today they had a show at our town's cultural center. We had no way of knowing if he was going go clam up and be all shy or be a star performer. Turns out he was a star performer. Whereas all the other kids were attached to either mommy or daddy and not at all happy about performing in front of an audience, our little (or should I say BIG) boy Liam was loving all the attention and being in the spot light. Pictures and videos will be on his blog once they are done uploading (link to the right). I have to admit it was really emotional and wonderful to see my baby be so confident and sure of himself and having no trouble being in the spot light, especially since I hate being in the spot light and I freeze when I have to speak in front of an audience. He made us really proud.

After that we got home and I put the baby down for a much needed nap seeing how he missed his morning nap because he was so excited about watching his big brother perform. After that I had to put Liam down for a nap. Maybe now someone who is reading this is wondering why daddy isn't putting one of the kids down for a nap. I wonder that myself sometimes. I seem to do so much more. The baby won't really calm down enough for anyone other than me and sometimes for his babysitter Lindsay. It probably has something to do with the fact that he gets to nurse before nap or bedtime. And Liam just doesn't take daddy seriously enough when daddy says no more reading or talking or whatever it is that Liam does when it's time to go to sleep. I think Scott doesn't get the whole being firm but kind thing that I do. I don't feel Liam ever feels like I'm the bad cop - I just do as I say and he knows I mean it. Anyways, I got to take a short nap with the baby later in the afternoon which was nice but then my stomach virus hit me again. So you would think that if mommy is so sick and has a 2.5 year old and a 4.5 months old to take care of, that daddy would decide that going away for the night is not such a great idea. Scott had a surprise birthday party for a childhood friend in Northern Virginia to go to tonight. He gets to go and have fun, spend the night at a hotel with two childhood friends and drink and have a great time while VERY sick mommy gets to stay at home with two kids who don't sleep through the night. You would think that it would occur to him that going away isn't the greatest idea. But NO! He thought I would get through it ok I guess. You see, I know exactly what was going through his mind. He probably thought that because I was walking around and getting stuff done that I was not that sick. He doesn't get that mommies just keep on going because we have no other choice. When he gets sick he gets in bed and doesn't really come out until he gets better. When I get sick I keep on going because I have a husband and two very young children who depend on me. So in his mind he isn't doing anything that bad by leaving me home alone for the night with them. In my mind, well, let's just say I am beyond angry.

So the sitter who helped me through bath and bed times left and I am here, writing this in between sprints to the bathroom. I am praying really hard that both boys will cooperate and will sleep well. I am praying that Liam won't wake up when the baby is nursing. I am praying that the baby won't wake up to eat while I'm in the bathroom and can't get to him. I am just praying for this night to go ok. And I plan on taking a really long shower and nap tomorrow when Scott gets home. But I also know myself and know that I won't let myself rest because there's always so much that needs to get done.

So I was planning on writing a really positive post with how blessed I am and how much I appreciate having a husband who helps a lot, but I'm too darn mad to do that so it will have to wait for another day.

A Mother's Day Update

So the day did end up getting better...

Scott and Liam went to Lowe's and on the way home stopped to get me a Mother's Day card that says: "What's the difference between you and a light bulb? You can't be replaced". And they also stopped at Starbucks for me and got me an allergy proof (for baby) decaf, cinnamon dolce Americano which was delicious. I couldn't have it with milk or soy milk but it was good nonetheless.

Later I made stir-fry for dinner and the baby sat in his high-chair with us while we were all having dinner.

Baths went well. Bed time was long but was without drama.

So hopefully Liam will sleep well tonight, the baby won't wake up to nurse more than twice and tomorrow I will have more energy

A Mother's Day Special

I wish I could say this Mother's Day has been wonderful so far but it hasn't. I barely got any sleep. When we went to bed last night Scott had some random health insurance bad news for us. They are trying to get group insurance (so far we've been on Cobra) but since there still aren't that many of them, it is going to be one of those very high deductible plans until they get more people. Now, I appreciate that it's better than not having insurance at all, but for some reason that stressed me out really bad and I wasn't able to fall asleep. Do your husbands fall asleep with no care in the world as well? That drives me absolutely nuts! How do they do it? When I go to bed is when my brain starts working over time. All the thoughts about all there is to do the next day and all I never managed to get done during the day start creeping in and it takes me a while to just settle down to sleep. Also, there's always the stress of wondering if the baby will wake up to nurse all of 5 minutes after I manage to fall asleep. Last night was just worse than usual for some reason. So I didn't fall asleep till about 1 am. Then, all of 15 minutes later Liam wakes up screaming. Must have had a bad dream. Scott goes to him. He wants mommy. So I go in. He calms down instantly. But it takes him a while to go back to sleep. My son alright! So I just spent about 25 minutes staring at the ceiling in Liam's room because I knew if I fell asleep, the baby's cries will wake all of us. I go back to our bedroom while praying that Liam doesn't notice that I left his room. I go to the bathroom. I get back to bed and baby Aiden wakes up wanting to eat. He nurses well. I actually manage to get enough energy to put him back in his bassinet. I take forever to fall back asleep. About 2 hours later baby Aiden decides he needs to eat again. I never regain enough resolve to put him back in his bassinet so I spend the rest of the night in a twisted position and wake up with a really stiff neck and a really aching back just in time to being Mother's Day. Yay!

My breakfast choices are very limited now. I can't have cow's milk dairy products or soy because it makes the baby's poops super explosive. Way more explosive than the usual breast feeding baby poops. I also can't have eggs because they seem to cause Aiden's eczema to get a lot worse. So Scott makes me beef bacon and coffee and that's pretty much what I have for my special Mother's Day breakfast. But then again, some people don't even get that much so I am grateful.

I wanted a laundry free day today considering I do about 2 loads of laundry per day. But I didn't get my wish because I didn't manage to get all the laundry done yesterday. So I had to do laundry yet again.

Baby Aiden took a shorter morning nap than usual.

Then Scott tells me that in addition to his trip to the UK in July he has to go on a short trip in the US sometime in June. I am now stressing about finding help over night for when he is gone. With two babies waking up at night, I can't actually do it all alone over night.

Now both babies are napping but for how long I ask?

So yes, it is Mother's Day and it feels just like any other day to me. It's exhausting and not that much fun at all.

But at least I get a lot of love from all my boys.

Hope my fellow mothers out there are having way more fun on this special day than I am.

What I Do to Keep Sane - Part A

There are certain things that I do to maintain a certain level of sanity. I am not always successful, but I try really hard. When I had Liam, I never took care of myself. I try to do that now. In parenting magazines they tell you to nap when the baby naps. What a joke! Seriously, are there really moms out there who actually do that? I can see how some moms might be able to do that when they only have one child if they don't care about healthy meals and a somewhat clean house and clean clothes. And that's ok not to care about those things. I am not able to not care about these things but I respect that some people simply don't. But with two children, you really don't have that luxury. So here is a partial list of the things I do to try to remain sane:

1. I make sure to take a shower every morning before Scott goes to work. It gets tricky when Scott is away on business though.
2. After showering I put on real clothes and make-up even if I don't intend to leave the house that day.
3. I try to eat healthy meals. I cook on weekends and freeze stuff so that me and my family have healthy meals to eat.
4. I try to get out of the house if not every day then every other day. Even if it's just taking the baby and going to the grocery store. I didn't do it with Liam and it contributed greatly to my depression and anxiety so I am making sure not to repeat that mistake.
5. I give myself a mini-manicure once a week on the weekend when Scott is home.
6. I try to get a pedicure every so often when it is needed.
7. I let Scott do some things around the house that I would have never let him do before. I actually let him sweep the floor and get laundry out of the dryer.
8. I do a load of laundry once a day so that laundry doesn't pile up too much.
9. I go to a breastfeeding support group that meets every other week. I regret not having done that when I had Liam so I try to go every time they meet. It's a wonderful way to meet other moms and support new moms in their choice to breastfeed. It isn't always easy to be a breastfeeding mom. It takes a lot out of you to exclusively nurse so it's nice to be able to talk about the challenges with other moms.

More to come...

Why I Love Being a Mom Part A

1. Being a mom of a new baby is like discovering G-d all over again every single day. If you are not a believer, you easily become one once you give birth to a baby and raise a baby. It takes a miracle to have a healthy baby. And when you see how they develop and grow and learn things you didn't even get a chance to teach them yet, it's impossible not to be a believer.
   
   
2. Having a baby fall asleep on my chest. It's all so warm and cozy and wonderful. The baby's slow and sweet breathing.
   
   
3. My baby smiling back at me, thinking I'm the best mommy in the world. I try to enjoy is as much as I can because I know one day he'll say - 'I hate you mommy'.
   
   
4. My baby's head turning to find the breast and falling asleep while nursing.
   
   
5. Baby waking up from nap or in the morning and opening his mouth to smile real wide.
   
   
6. My baby falling asleep - FINALLY
   
   
7. I love how everything is so new and interesting to my baby
   
   
8. I love how he falls asleep in the infant carrier when he is facing me and his head is tilted to the side and he is so peaceful
   
   
9. Being a mom of a toddler boy is like being a child all over again. It's discovering the world G-d has created every single day. The little thing us adults no longer notice are noticed by my wonderful toddler boy and that reminds me there is so much to be grateful for.
   
   
10. Seeing my toddler boy running to me when I pick him up from day-care and telling all the other kids: 'my mommy' and getting hugs and kisses from him
    
    
11. Hearing my boy tell me: 'I love you mommy'. Those are the sweetest words ever.
    
    
12. Hearing my boy ask his baby brother when he cries: 'what's wrong baby Aiden?' and also telling him: it's ok baby Aiden'. He is so full of love and caring.
    
    
13. I even find joy in playing with cars, trucks and trains which I never though possible because I get to do it with my precious son
    
    

There's a lot more, this was just part A

The Things I Miss the Most...Part A

This will be an ongoing list of the things I miss the most from the life I had before children...

1. SLEEP!!! I really miss sleep. Even when the kids sleep well, which let's be honest, never really happens - I don't. Here's the thing about being a mom - you are always on alert so you don't sleep quite like you used to even when the kids sleep well. You are always on alert in case something bad happens, G-d forbid. I miss going to bed without wondering how long Scott & I have to sleep before one of them wakes up. I miss not having to whisper so that we don't wake up the baby. I miss cuddling every morning in bed. Now it's Scott running to get Liam when he yells - 'Abba (daddy) where are you?' and me nursing the baby and rushing to shower and then taking Liam downstairs to get him ready for school and then rushing home to release Scott from baby duty. And I miss sleeping in on weekends and having a lazy breakfast and just being lazy all weekend long. Now there are kids to entertain...

2. Long showers and taking baths. Showers must be quick and baths, well, I haven't had one since before I got pregnant with Liam.

3. Not being afraid of forgetting a child at home alone or in the car alone. I always feel tense trying to make sure I don't forget one of them. It sucks!

4. Having dinner together with my husband. We sometimes get to eat together but it's rare and even when it does happen it has to be quick.

4. Having sex without worrying about someone waking up and having to stop to attend to a child.

More to come when I have time and energy...

Reflections About Breastfeeding

I breastfed Liam till he was around 22 months old. It was a rough start. My labor and delivery with Liam were a horror story. It took me 4 months to physically recover and about a year to mentally recover. I got very depressed and had severe anxiety. Nursing did not come naturally to either of us and motherhood didn't either. I did fall in love with Liam right away. My depression did not manifest itself in not being able to connect with him. I connected with him right away and was completely enamoured with him. But I suffered from anxiety. Every day when Scott was about to leave for work I would get frantic thinking there was no way I could make it until he got home in the evening. It didn't help that he traveled A LOT and I don't have family in the area, in fact, my family is overseas which was just fine until I had a baby... and Scott's family is 3.5 hours away.



But back to breastfeeding. After the rocky start things got gradually better and our bond grew stronger and stronger. Liam wasn't an easy baby and he is not an easy toddler. But he is so full of life and love. And I didn't want to deal with weaning him and felt that he should just wean himself when he was ready. He was finally ready at around 22 months of age when I was already very pregnant with Aiden.

With Aiden, it was and is a completely different experience. Labor was still very very long but the actual delivery was much easier and the recovery was nothing this time. I got to hold Aiden 5 minutes after he was born and I got to start nursing him about 10 minutes after he was born. He took to the breast like nothing. He was a champ from the very beginning. And it lasted too! He still is a champ. He just sees and smells the breast and opens his mouth and then it's there! He is nursing. He is also a very hungry little guy. He still nurses a lot at night which is really why I started this posting to begin with.

I really do love nursing. It's just that in magazines and books and forums about breastfeeding they tell you how easy and wonderful it is to bed-share with your baby because all you need to do is let your baby find the breast in the middle of the night and you both doze off while he is nursing. Well, maybe it's like that for some women but sure as heck ain't like that for me. For us (me & Aiden) it's more like he nurses and then starts crying because of reflux and needing to burp and so I have to get out of bed and walk him around until he burps and spits-up all over me. And then he usually poops so I also have to walk over to his room to the diaper changing table and change his diaper. So by then he is all awake and wants to play and I am exhausted, I need to pee and I'm dying to go back to sleep. When I finally do get him to fall back to sleep I am so awake and wired that it takes me forever to fall back asleep. And then he is also sleeping on our bed in such a way that I have to sleep in a very uncomfortable position such that in the morning my neck is stiff and my back and hips are aching. And so usually about an hour to two after I finally managed to get back to sleep he is again waking up to nurse yet again and the whole thing starts over again.

So yes, I love nursing. But the whole co-sleeping & bed-sharing thing isn't as peaceful and relaxing as it is portrayed. So if you have a more realistic experience like I do then don't feel bad! That's pretty much what I wanted to say.